03/15/2012

Corbynn the day before my surgery

My hysterectomy went great! I went in at 7am and was out by 3pm. 

I think I should have taken them up on staying overnight and didn't. Yesterday was very rough. I had an arthroscopic surgery so they left a lot of gas in my abdomen. I didn't get the memo of how painful that gas was going to be. When I was standing up walking around it went up in my lungs. Trust me not fun but, it passed by this morning. Well mostly. 

I have heard in the past when I go under that I am a flirt but, yep I am a flirt. Not just a bit. I am a full on flirt when I am getting ready to go under. 

I am still on drugs from my surgery so not sure how much I should share. 

03/13/2012

Stolen from parenting.com

Just one of those days at the Jones house. I think that the energy level are very high with my up-coming surgery. It makes even the dogs a little edgy and when an event happens that pushes us over the edge our house explodes.

I went to pick up Eli today only to be confronted with him being VERY behind at school. Sean and I should have known about it but, with life being week on week of it is hard to keep track or know what was "really" done at the other parents house.

Well we can tell you this week that one HUGE project was not done. One that counts for most of Eli's grade is Social Studies. It is mostly our fault that we were not up on what was going on at school or at Ms. N house (Eli's mom) I know that if I would take more time I would have a much better understanding of what was happening with his school.

However, I struggle with this. I got him into this Gifted school and it is hard. Eli hates it and Ms. N and the school got off on the WRONG foot. So she has never been in support of the program. It makes it hard to keep E motivated and be able talk with Nicole about the program. I have been the bad guy through this.  At least that is how it feels from this side of the fence.

Secondly with me being home this year I have noticed Eli doing a lot of lying. He hates to disappoint and somewhere along the line he started lying about things. I am sure they started with little things but, now those little lies are HUGE lies about a lot of different things. He just lies and I have caught him a lot this year. I was bringing it up with Sean but, for a while there he was just taking Eli's side. There was always an excuse for it so, it didn't seem like that much of a lie. That was how Eli always spun it to Mr. Jones at least which in tune made me the bad step-mom who was attacking his son. Once again this is just how I felt. I am sure this explanation is completely off but, that is just how I feel. So I stopped ratting him out because it didn't seem to do anything...

Lying hits close to home for me because I struggled with lying for a long time. I was bad enough through my teen years that I lost friends and lied myself in circles. It was a very hard time in my life that I would hate to see Eli go through. I have spent the last ten years recovering from the guilt of all the lies I told. It made me feel like a horrible person and I am sure that my friends felt betrayed all the time. It was a HARD experience and I would hate to see Eli fight and struggle with this.

Then today happen and Sean didn't realize until the end of the night that Eli had flat out lied to his face. That he had completely told a bold face lie. Yes my school book rough draft is done... turns out no it was not even started. So now what to do with it. Do you ground your emotionally unstable kid or do you let it ride and talk about it in counseling?

Eli has had so much going on recently that I am not sure how much he can handle or if it really is  just an act to keep out of trouble. His Mother and step father are in the middle of a divorce. His step father just found out he has lung cancer and had lung surgery last week and his grandfather just had open heart surgery. This does not even cover the house stresses here. Wow that is a lot on the plate of a little guy. He needs a break.

More than anything I am writing out my thoughts trying to get a handle on how I feel. Sorry for the rambling and if you have a suggestion I would love to hear it.

03/09/2012

Just a couple pictures of me. Just me. 

Can I just tell you how much I LOVE this sweater that I NEVER wear? 

03/08/2012

Thoughts on Burningman.

If you have never been it is impossible to explain so I am not going to try.

I am feeling a little bit down about not going this year but, at the same time going out to experience a different event will be more than worth it.

Burningman changed the way I saw the world. It happen the moment I stepped out onto the playa. It was the moment that I understood that there was unconditional love without having to be related or even knowing a person. To have a random person  come up to you and tell you that you are amazing when they have never spoken to you gives you a sense of love that is beyond what I was used too.
I was amazed at how much people wanted to care. Once taken out of their comfort zones they wanted to explore, dress up, interact, create. People wanted to change the world at Burning man. To make it even better a lot of these people were changing the world.

I tell people every year that you can find whatever you are looking for there. If you are looking for "the spirit" you will find him every where. If you are looking for nudity you will go find it. If you are looking for art you will experience it. You can experience anything at the burn if you go looking for it.

For me the burn has never been about finding something. It has continued to be love. To have a renewed look on life and the people that I share this world with. It is about community and growing into a family when all you have is your self and what you bring to the table. It is about LOVE... Yes love. Feeling apart of a community just breeds love. The amount of hope that radiats from the ground is unbelievable.
 You are surrounded by 50,000 people who believe in the impossible. It is a family of hope, dreams, and the unexplainable. 

For me Burning Man created an idea that lead to a way of life. That continues to feed the core of my beliefs. At that core of beliefs lies the truth about me. I believe in love, family, art, self relaince and most of all to BE true to your self.

 I found myself out there on the playa on top of a temple in the middle of a sunrise.  Maybe I didn't literally find myself but, I knew in those moments who I no longer wanted to be and deep down who I was.  No longer did I want to be a selfish child who did a lot of things that never made me feel good about myself and no longer did I want to feel like I couldn't be someone better. Burning Man showed me that if a community could change so drastically year to year; so could I and at the end of the day I could forgive myself when things went wrong too.

I know that the world is upset at Burning Man right now but, remember this is the place that has taught many of us forgiveness and the belief that everything can be renewed and changed.

03/07/2012

So looking out at my yard it looks like the winter is still here. 

Two days ago I put on a shorts for the first time this year. 

Then yesterday it SNOWED. WTF. 

I am ready for some SUN.

Ready for spring shoes. 

Ready for planting days. 

Ready to start the lawn mower. 

 

 

I was getting sad and then I went outside and saw this.

A little budding. 

Spring is one day closer. 

This makes me feel a little lighter on my feet.

 

03/06/2012

Dear Eye Doctor,

          Why is that I always leave SO dissapointed in your prices? Also how is it that I come home and find online the SAME glasses at Coastal.com for 20.00 with protective coating that you charged me out the ass   for? Not to mention I had a better experience at Coastal.com and that is saying a lot considering I didn't talk with anyone. Why is it that a place where I don't drop money on a exam that they still treat a first time customer better than the eye place that I spend big $$ at? Also why is it that even with my AWESOME insurance you find a way to charge way MORE than they pay out? How does one pair of glasses and a exam cost 700$ pre-insurance? Just curious how I walked out of your office with a 200 bill after my insurance paid 500 to you.

       I have to admit that I am saddened by this. I feel like you have taken advantage of me. I think from here on out I will be taking my business online. However I did enjoy my doctor.


Thanks,
Bleed-ed dry.


On another note. I reorganized my side of the closet. I took out EVERY piece of clothing and tried it on and got rid of about half of my stuff. FELT GREAT. I would have tackled the rest of the closet but, Sean is a little sensitive about his "stuff"


Here are some pictures of the clothes that are going to the good will and some pictures of my newly organized closet. 

The stuff leaving my closet to find better homes.

All of the hangers saved!

 

Feeling a lot better about my closet now. 

03/05/2012

When blending beautifully isn't an option.
      Lately I have been fighting away anxiety. I seem to be waking up and going to sleep with it. It is becoming the kind that makes you cringe when ANY one walks in the room. You are constantly wondering when the next FREE moment will come from and any chance to escape is top on your list.
I know that out here in blog world that it is rare to share your faults because everyone is a critic. No one want to be judged well judge away.
      I want other people to know that they are not alone in your stress. Sean and I are UP to our eye balls in just life.  We have been in the mode of JUST maintaining our life. If the dishes, laundry, and a cleaning run through happens we are on top. None of the deep stuff is getting done. The half projects are everywhere. Half done walls with pictures laying on the ground, half done rooms with clutter mid floor. Makes for a fairly uncomfortable living area.  I have a couple thank you cards that I desperately need to get in the mail and haven't (I am sorry you know who you are)
        Our kids schedules are getting busier and we can't forget the twenty doctors appointments. 
       We haven't had spare moment it seem unless it was a stolen one where we wanted to RUN away somewhere to hide for a few hours. Every time I do this I feel a guilty. I feel horrible about leaving the house. I feel like I am ditching out on my daily tasks.
         Not sure how any one else faces the crazy lives that they are living but, there has to be a way that does not involve wanting to swallow anti-depressants. I keep thinking if I would get into the gym things would get better yet I can not seem to motivate myself. I might get in a dozen crunches and maybe two dozen squats but that is NO where near a real workout. I need to work up a little bit of moisture on my brow.
      
           Well of the complaining boat...

and well I got nothing.

10 days until surgery and counting. Hurray!
and I ordered new little family picture books for the mothers for mothers day today! Hurray.  No. 2