Thursday, May 10, 2012


 The quick run down. Scot moved back to SLC and started work. 
Our friends kid moved with him. (he's 19)
Koda got a double ear infection.

Now we are on day 7 of 102-105 degree fevers for Corbynn waiting for strep plus ear infections to pass. 

Sean's been working a lot and I have been hiding a lot. 

Sorry for being MIA. 
I know it isn't cool.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


    Life has been rough around these parts. There have been many joys too; they seem to be far shadowed by the pain that has been sweeping through.

    My best friends mother recently was diagnosed with cancer and is quickly losing her battle. Watching my best friend go through this is heart breaking. The want to hug her and walk beside her through this is strong but, the knowledge that cancer itself makes it a solo process. You can't help anyone grieve. You can't show them how to deal and you can't make it better.

    I just have to stand aside. Try and hold emotional space and send as much positive energy as possible. Giving space is a hard thing. I have found that I feel like I am not doing enough. Even though down deep I realize the only thing I can do is be here WHEN she needs me. Not when I feel like she should because I would have.

      With our friends recent passing the community around us has stepped into overdrive grieving. They are doing things that can only be dreamed of in memory of our dearest friends. There are art projects, memorials, parties, wakes, funerals, balloon launches, crying sessions, hug parties, and most of all a lot of memory sharing. We are all living this pain. We are watching our closest friends find their own path to grieving.

     There have been positives around all of this. The realization of how much we should show our love and how often we should do it seems to be at the front of everyone's mind. It has brought a unity across two very different yet very much the same communities which is something these two tried to do every day. They were an inspiration within both communities on how to accept and teach and love. CJ and Zach were in one world the truest form of love. I will carry this with me forever.  

     Watching life happen around you is humbling. Thinking of the place I was in a few short months ago and what my own friends and family must have been thinking. Letting those emotions not effect my current hours are hard. Staying present in today is hard. That is the goal though is to LOVE all of these moments. To hold them close and be able to relive them when they have past. In order to even have those memories you have to present. Not thinking forward, not digging holes into the past, and most of all feeling what is going on around you.

        It is raining today. I love the rain. It makes life feel renewed, re-birthed, fresh. It brings me hope for tomorrow. Today I have been too caught up in life to watch it come down. It is coming down in sheets from the sky. The world seems to be mourning right along with me today. She seems to be trying to tell me that all things are cleansed.

      Life moves forward no matter what. Death, sickness, happiness, emptiness, joy are all fleeting. They are emotions not a state of being. They are not forever. They are part of this experience without them it wouldn't be one.

      My community is mourning right now. We are all dealing in our own way. As the days come to pass there will be more tears, more sickness, more death but, there will also be new life, love, happiness, joy, freedom.

Love fiercely my friends. Without hesitation and fear. Love with your entire being because without love who are we?

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


It has been a rough few days. 
Writing hasn't been on the top of my list. 

A amazing couple that we are close friends with passed over last weekend. 
They were in a head on car crash and were taken way to early. 
Processing this information has been difficult.
It has brought a lot of emotions to the surface that I haven't had to face in a long time. 
This is what I have learned.
           Love with all of your heart. There are way to few moments not to. Don't let your fear scare you off. When it is right it feels right and don't lose those moments because they could be fleeting. Give hugs. A lot of hugs even to those people that don't really like hugs because it feels good to hug. 
          It may be hard but, you must cherish your friendships. You must help build them. Stop wondering about who you are and just be who you are. You are great no matter what. Someone knows it and if they don't then don't let that change you.
I am struggling to truly express how hard this is. How many times a day and I am brought back to what matters due to this. Life is important, those moments are important. Please don't forget it.
Maybe later I will feel better and can express this more but for tonight.

Rest in peace Zach and CJ.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


Holy molly food poising.
You know it.
You've had it.

Let me tell you about it anyway.

4:02 Suddenly awake with cramps that bring tears to your eyes.

4:02-4:40 So bad that I just rock and rock and rock. Nothing happens.

4:45 The world explodes and I spend the next two hours hid away.

6:45 back to bed.

8:30 suddenly awake again. WHY?

Thursday, April 19, 2012


The girl I wish I was.. There are times when you watch a movie and you can almost see yourself in her character. Maybe not the you now but, the you you want to be. Or just a side of you that you don't reach for often enough. For me that person is Meg Ryan in "You Have Mail". I love the way she smiles, how light she is, and of course how funny she is when she is pissed.

I often watch this movie again and again trying to figure out what it is that I love about her. Honestly, I just think I know. I may be the underdog with the flare to fight. Or her innocence that come out strong all the way through.

 Innocence in adults is both cute, endearing, and agitating. The thought that any one can make it through life with innocence still intact is incredible. Untouchable. It takes the world on a ride because no one has innocence anymore. It was lost long ago when I was SO small that I couldn't reach the counter top. I grew up to quickly to enjoy the years of innocence.

Then there is her hair. I wish my hair could look like that. Or even close to that. I love it. Love it.

It may also be this was the first romance I truly fell in love with. It stuck.


Getting ready for her big first try!

Mr. Jones getting ready for the first fall.

Looking at her first ouch.

Making it on her own.

Happy camper.
We are a house with out training wheels!
This is a full on milestone at our house. 
Every baby item that is thrown in the giveaway box is a step closer
to more family independence. 
More hiking, More camping, More fun. 
I know that some parents take their kids every where from the time they 
are tiny.
But, we are not that family. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


I have been asleep for almost a twenty four hour period. I had a migraine a couple of days ago that just would let up. Yesterday I went in to take care of it at the primary health. and they decided that I had the headache too long. They gave me four shots two shots in each hip.

They told me I would be tired but, wow! I had no idea that I would come home and sleep for twenty four hours. I am still pretty tired as I write this. It is incredible how easy it is to mess up your body. One little shot is all it takes. I was out of it; completely out of it.

I am also waiting for a new lens for my camera. So watch out those pictures are going to be getting better.