03/25/2012

1. Say no to anything that is not important to me.
I'm the girl who has a hard time saying no. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am a bitch not nice person but I can also be a push over. I do things for others who sometimes don't deserve it and I help people when I should be helping myself. I'm giving myself permission to focus on the important things.

2. Ask for help.
There's nothing wrong with it, so why don't I do it more often? Prideful? Scared? Embarrassed? A little of it all. Not sure why but,  I am sure that I have needed a lot of help this year that I haven't asked for.

3. Get. More. Sleep.
Before Sean and I were together I was often in bed by 9 and up by 7am. Sean and I had different idea's of when sleep should happen. He was a up till 2am asleep till 10am kind of guy. I ended up till 2 and awake at 7 am. Not the best for my beauty sleep.

4. Eat healthy.
I have always been a girl who has known what to eat but, I have never been very good at eating that way. The force is with the candy I say.. It is with the candy. But, with this new lease on life I very much need to take care of myself. I need to work on giving my body what it needs to survive not what makes my mouth water.


5. Take ten minutes out of my day to remember to breathe.
Come on does this need an explanation? I need to breathe stay out of the closet and make it through the days.

6. Make a plan.
I am a planner at heart I just need to keep to my plan. I need to plan dinner so I don't spend all day thinking about what my plan is for dinner. I hate that I think about what needs to come out of the freezer instead of taking the time to love on the kids and do some fun projects.

7. Love.
 I want to continue to celebrate love. To celebrate every person that I have a moment with. Love is not just about our family. It is about the connections that feed our world. 


8. Surround myself with inspiring photos.
  Yes there are thousands of pictures on my computer, blog, email accounts but, how often do I do what I have envisioned with them? I want them to surround the house. To bleed into our every day life. I want the house to be full of memories that make us smile.

9. Be more grateful.
I forget to be grateful for the little things. Sean hand reaching across the couch for mine. The laughter coming up from the basement. My extra ten minutes of sleep. Mr. Jones making 3 dinner a week. I have a thousand things a day to be grateful for. I need to spend a few moment ever day writing them down.

10. Hit the gym!
    I forget that I love the gym when I am not going. I love the way my body and mind feels after two hours of working myself. I love that I feel better about my self. I need the gym and I need to MAKE the time to go there.

11. A hot, steamy bubble bath.
Does this really need an explanation?

13. Find a happy place. 
Yes I know a happy place. I think what I am saying is not to be afraid to spend time alone. To have moments that our just MINE. To feel the air come and go from my chest without worrying about how another person is doing. 

13. Have more fun.
Aka... I want to laugh at the small stuff and make my world a lot more fun.

14. Be more organized.
I want to follow through on what my mind is always saying. I know how to organize I need to put those plans in motion with or with out the help of anyone else. Yep that is what I need to do.

15. Be outside more.
I love to sit on the patio but, ever since Sean and I stopped smoking I have stopped enjoying being in our yard. I am going to take back over the yard and the sounds and smells that come with it.

16. Read more.
No I am not talking about blogs I am talking about books. It is time to find a good book and lay down and enjoy it.

17. Boost the self esteem.
Most people wouldn't know it but I'm actually not that confident. I like to pretend I am, but a lot of it's an act. This year I will compliment myself more because I think I deserve it. And I will stop judging myself so harshly - other people do it enough for you, take you out of that equation.

18. Spend more time with my kids.
Instead of sending them to go do things. I want to do things with my kids, I want to be that parent that was always there for their children. I want to be a mom that they remember for being involved not hiding in her bedroom behind her work.

19. Cook and bake more.
Making food for my family makes me happy. I need to embrace it more and enjoy cooking.

20. Make more time for people who care about me and focus less on people who don't make me a priority.

03/22/2012

day of surgery. Not so Hott. LOL

Flowers from my family AWESOME.

Wake up: take pain killers at 1, 4, 7 am. Stare at the clock trying to figure out how I have made it this many years never sleeping on my back. Only to realize I have made it this long because I can't sleep on my back. I have made it through countless surgeries and this is the VERY first one that I could not sleep on my back after. The couch became my best friend with pillows placed around to hopefully make me feel as if I am floating. Didn't work but, I tried. I think I may have only got in a few hours of "real" sleep last night. 

I awoke this morning feeling well considering that my breast feel are watermelons pasted to my chest; not even the nicely shaped ones. I understand why they tell you not to take off the bandages for a few days. (not that I could possibly do this... Curiosity killed the hopeful?) I was a little drug induced  so I felt like it was my personal duty to see what was under bandage three. Well, I looked at I will not share what I saw but, it was unexpected. 

After two years of feeling so self aware of my uneven breast I thought I would be overjoyed to have these new additions but, I am coming out of this realizing that they didn't matter in the first place. That no one cared that my cancer had taken half my left breast but me. Yes, I matter but, no one else cared. My husband would have continued to love me just the way I was. I am grateful to be able to feel good about myself again though. Even if it is in a vain way.

 Losing my uterus had made me feel like less of a woman. I couldn't grow our family anymore even if I wanted to. Then to look in the mirror and not feel womanly was heartbreaking. So, I am happy that I had them reconstructed. Sorry just rambling, trying to figure out my own feelings.

I over did it today a bit. I think I was suppose to stay low and ice pack... Well you know me; I didn't. Come to find out that opening the fridge door will lead swelling was out of control. I don't think washing the kids hair or picking up my computer was helping either though.  Now my uterus-less stomach and my swollen recon area are telling me loud and clear to cool it. 

Cancer is a strange beast. I can't ever forget that. 

On a strange note. I met some one on craigslist. Not in the people section but, I was selling our trailer and happen to start emailing with another stay at home mom. Isn't incredible how ever once in a while that you can feel a connection with-out a reason for one? I could tell on the phone while describing my trailer that we could have been friends forever by the way we were talking. 

It had odd timing as well; we had listed the trailer right as Kay got sick and was getting worse. I called Jayna to let her know that I wouldn't be able to let her see the trailer that day. I ended up dumping on her for about a half hour. This RANDOM craigslist buyer about my family and Kay and all the stress. Very strange. Very, Very strange. 

Also Scot got his licience back this week! Hurray! It is amazing that he could go from ICU brain surgery/stroke/not walking, remembering, or being able to do any normal daily activities to being a fully function person again. I am SO grateful to have been invovled in his rehab. Not only for Scot but, for my husband. Being able to do that for Sean is incredible. It is hard to have your husband best friend living in your home even stranger when you know everything about him. I spent days breaking into accounts, emails, talking to the bank while he was in ICU unable to do anything for himself. I am grateful to be able to understand their relationship so much better. I am grateful to have been able to prove to myself that I can step out on a ledge and take care of people. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done but, the most rewarding too. 

The families ability to function with out me.

Eddie wondering politely when he is going to be lap dog again.

This is such a hard time in our lives but the blessing we have are countless ... 

03/22/2012

I made it through round two of surgery yesterday. 

Sorry all the delay's in posting. 

There are days where I can't even look at the screen to type. 

There for there are days when nothing happens. 

My breast reconstruction went well they said. 

I will know in a  few hours for myself. 

Thanks for sticking around.

03/18/2012

Feeling much better today! 

Haven't had to swallow a pain pill yet. This always makes my day a little brighter. 

However, think I may have messed up on on my little openings by opening it 

a little early. Oopps... On to the anti-infection cream and keeping a eye on it.

I am sorry... But I had to know what my 

belly button looked like. 

Have you ever covered up your belly button? 

It is an odd experience. 

I REALLY want some dip and dots. 

They are the best ice cream in the world

If you haven't had them you should google it.

They are incredible little balls of goodness. 

I went to their site to order some 

then saw it was going to 

cost me a small fortune to get them here. So I passed on the order but, they are

the only things still on my mind. 

If there is a Dip and Dot fairy out there. 

Or just a local dealer I would be 

OVER JOYED. 

On to the other goodness. 

I am sad about my Birchwood box this month.
It was disappointing at best. 

Maybe next month will surprise me. 

This months just made me sad. 

I was going to switch only to find out that My Glam Bag was SOLD OUT.

So, wait I will until the love comes back. 

3/17/2012

Uterusless! 

Surgery went very well! I may have already told you that but, I have been 

drugged Happy for the last few days. 

Wednesday was hard. I had never had a orthoscopic surgery before and had NO idea what 

to expect. Little did I know that they fill you up with air; so that they can see what they are doing. 

Well that air has to go some where. So when you stand up it goes up. 

So there Sean and I were at Walgreens filling my pain killers walking 

around like they told us to. When I started to notice how hard it 

was to take in a breath and the next was HARDER. I started to panic to be honest. 

I had never experienced not being able to breath before. 

It was awful. 

Sean had me sit down and things started to calm a bit. 

Lets just say Wednesday there was a lot of air related pain. 

Thursday was wonderfulish ( you know as good as it gets after major surgery )

My mother came and picked me up and took me home with her. 

There is NOTHING better than momma care. 

I ate, slept, drank water, and never had to move a muscle. Then the awesome mom of mine

came over and picked up my girls and took them for the weekend. 

Talk about a rad mom. That would be mine. 

So this weekend has been calm. I can't say that I haven't been in pain because that would

be a lie but, I have manage to stay mostly comfortable. 

I also got the best news in FIVE years on Friday.

I didn't have ANY new growth on my latest scan. That makes three months

THREE months people. 

I am jumping for joy with out the jumping...

Can't shake up those insides you know. 

Breast reconstruction Wednesday.. Count down is on.

I am going to be one fixed girl by MAY. 

Happy Paddy's Day. 

Love me.

03/15/2012

Corbynn the day before my surgery

My hysterectomy went great! I went in at 7am and was out by 3pm. 

I think I should have taken them up on staying overnight and didn't. Yesterday was very rough. I had an arthroscopic surgery so they left a lot of gas in my abdomen. I didn't get the memo of how painful that gas was going to be. When I was standing up walking around it went up in my lungs. Trust me not fun but, it passed by this morning. Well mostly. 

I have heard in the past when I go under that I am a flirt but, yep I am a flirt. Not just a bit. I am a full on flirt when I am getting ready to go under. 

I am still on drugs from my surgery so not sure how much I should share. 

03/13/2012

Stolen from parenting.com

Just one of those days at the Jones house. I think that the energy level are very high with my up-coming surgery. It makes even the dogs a little edgy and when an event happens that pushes us over the edge our house explodes.

I went to pick up Eli today only to be confronted with him being VERY behind at school. Sean and I should have known about it but, with life being week on week of it is hard to keep track or know what was "really" done at the other parents house.

Well we can tell you this week that one HUGE project was not done. One that counts for most of Eli's grade is Social Studies. It is mostly our fault that we were not up on what was going on at school or at Ms. N house (Eli's mom) I know that if I would take more time I would have a much better understanding of what was happening with his school.

However, I struggle with this. I got him into this Gifted school and it is hard. Eli hates it and Ms. N and the school got off on the WRONG foot. So she has never been in support of the program. It makes it hard to keep E motivated and be able talk with Nicole about the program. I have been the bad guy through this.  At least that is how it feels from this side of the fence.

Secondly with me being home this year I have noticed Eli doing a lot of lying. He hates to disappoint and somewhere along the line he started lying about things. I am sure they started with little things but, now those little lies are HUGE lies about a lot of different things. He just lies and I have caught him a lot this year. I was bringing it up with Sean but, for a while there he was just taking Eli's side. There was always an excuse for it so, it didn't seem like that much of a lie. That was how Eli always spun it to Mr. Jones at least which in tune made me the bad step-mom who was attacking his son. Once again this is just how I felt. I am sure this explanation is completely off but, that is just how I feel. So I stopped ratting him out because it didn't seem to do anything...

Lying hits close to home for me because I struggled with lying for a long time. I was bad enough through my teen years that I lost friends and lied myself in circles. It was a very hard time in my life that I would hate to see Eli go through. I have spent the last ten years recovering from the guilt of all the lies I told. It made me feel like a horrible person and I am sure that my friends felt betrayed all the time. It was a HARD experience and I would hate to see Eli fight and struggle with this.

Then today happen and Sean didn't realize until the end of the night that Eli had flat out lied to his face. That he had completely told a bold face lie. Yes my school book rough draft is done... turns out no it was not even started. So now what to do with it. Do you ground your emotionally unstable kid or do you let it ride and talk about it in counseling?

Eli has had so much going on recently that I am not sure how much he can handle or if it really is  just an act to keep out of trouble. His Mother and step father are in the middle of a divorce. His step father just found out he has lung cancer and had lung surgery last week and his grandfather just had open heart surgery. This does not even cover the house stresses here. Wow that is a lot on the plate of a little guy. He needs a break.

More than anything I am writing out my thoughts trying to get a handle on how I feel. Sorry for the rambling and if you have a suggestion I would love to hear it.

03/09/2012

Just a couple pictures of me. Just me. 

Can I just tell you how much I LOVE this sweater that I NEVER wear? 

03/08/2012

Thoughts on Burningman.

If you have never been it is impossible to explain so I am not going to try.

I am feeling a little bit down about not going this year but, at the same time going out to experience a different event will be more than worth it.

Burningman changed the way I saw the world. It happen the moment I stepped out onto the playa. It was the moment that I understood that there was unconditional love without having to be related or even knowing a person. To have a random person  come up to you and tell you that you are amazing when they have never spoken to you gives you a sense of love that is beyond what I was used too.
I was amazed at how much people wanted to care. Once taken out of their comfort zones they wanted to explore, dress up, interact, create. People wanted to change the world at Burning man. To make it even better a lot of these people were changing the world.

I tell people every year that you can find whatever you are looking for there. If you are looking for "the spirit" you will find him every where. If you are looking for nudity you will go find it. If you are looking for art you will experience it. You can experience anything at the burn if you go looking for it.

For me the burn has never been about finding something. It has continued to be love. To have a renewed look on life and the people that I share this world with. It is about community and growing into a family when all you have is your self and what you bring to the table. It is about LOVE... Yes love. Feeling apart of a community just breeds love. The amount of hope that radiats from the ground is unbelievable.
 You are surrounded by 50,000 people who believe in the impossible. It is a family of hope, dreams, and the unexplainable. 

For me Burning Man created an idea that lead to a way of life. That continues to feed the core of my beliefs. At that core of beliefs lies the truth about me. I believe in love, family, art, self relaince and most of all to BE true to your self.

 I found myself out there on the playa on top of a temple in the middle of a sunrise.  Maybe I didn't literally find myself but, I knew in those moments who I no longer wanted to be and deep down who I was.  No longer did I want to be a selfish child who did a lot of things that never made me feel good about myself and no longer did I want to feel like I couldn't be someone better. Burning Man showed me that if a community could change so drastically year to year; so could I and at the end of the day I could forgive myself when things went wrong too.

I know that the world is upset at Burning Man right now but, remember this is the place that has taught many of us forgiveness and the belief that everything can be renewed and changed.

03/07/2012

So looking out at my yard it looks like the winter is still here. 

Two days ago I put on a shorts for the first time this year. 

Then yesterday it SNOWED. WTF. 

I am ready for some SUN.

Ready for spring shoes. 

Ready for planting days. 

Ready to start the lawn mower. 

 

 

I was getting sad and then I went outside and saw this.

A little budding. 

Spring is one day closer. 

This makes me feel a little lighter on my feet.

 

03/06/2012

Dear Eye Doctor,

          Why is that I always leave SO dissapointed in your prices? Also how is it that I come home and find online the SAME glasses at Coastal.com for 20.00 with protective coating that you charged me out the ass   for? Not to mention I had a better experience at Coastal.com and that is saying a lot considering I didn't talk with anyone. Why is it that a place where I don't drop money on a exam that they still treat a first time customer better than the eye place that I spend big $$ at? Also why is it that even with my AWESOME insurance you find a way to charge way MORE than they pay out? How does one pair of glasses and a exam cost 700$ pre-insurance? Just curious how I walked out of your office with a 200 bill after my insurance paid 500 to you.

       I have to admit that I am saddened by this. I feel like you have taken advantage of me. I think from here on out I will be taking my business online. However I did enjoy my doctor.


Thanks,
Bleed-ed dry.


On another note. I reorganized my side of the closet. I took out EVERY piece of clothing and tried it on and got rid of about half of my stuff. FELT GREAT. I would have tackled the rest of the closet but, Sean is a little sensitive about his "stuff"


Here are some pictures of the clothes that are going to the good will and some pictures of my newly organized closet. 

The stuff leaving my closet to find better homes.

All of the hangers saved!

 

Feeling a lot better about my closet now. 

03/05/2012

When blending beautifully isn't an option.
      Lately I have been fighting away anxiety. I seem to be waking up and going to sleep with it. It is becoming the kind that makes you cringe when ANY one walks in the room. You are constantly wondering when the next FREE moment will come from and any chance to escape is top on your list.
I know that out here in blog world that it is rare to share your faults because everyone is a critic. No one want to be judged well judge away.
      I want other people to know that they are not alone in your stress. Sean and I are UP to our eye balls in just life.  We have been in the mode of JUST maintaining our life. If the dishes, laundry, and a cleaning run through happens we are on top. None of the deep stuff is getting done. The half projects are everywhere. Half done walls with pictures laying on the ground, half done rooms with clutter mid floor. Makes for a fairly uncomfortable living area.  I have a couple thank you cards that I desperately need to get in the mail and haven't (I am sorry you know who you are)
        Our kids schedules are getting busier and we can't forget the twenty doctors appointments. 
       We haven't had spare moment it seem unless it was a stolen one where we wanted to RUN away somewhere to hide for a few hours. Every time I do this I feel a guilty. I feel horrible about leaving the house. I feel like I am ditching out on my daily tasks.
         Not sure how any one else faces the crazy lives that they are living but, there has to be a way that does not involve wanting to swallow anti-depressants. I keep thinking if I would get into the gym things would get better yet I can not seem to motivate myself. I might get in a dozen crunches and maybe two dozen squats but that is NO where near a real workout. I need to work up a little bit of moisture on my brow.
      
           Well of the complaining boat...

and well I got nothing.

10 days until surgery and counting. Hurray!
and I ordered new little family picture books for the mothers for mothers day today! Hurray.  No. 2