03/22/2012

day of surgery. Not so Hott. LOL

Flowers from my family AWESOME.

Wake up: take pain killers at 1, 4, 7 am. Stare at the clock trying to figure out how I have made it this many years never sleeping on my back. Only to realize I have made it this long because I can't sleep on my back. I have made it through countless surgeries and this is the VERY first one that I could not sleep on my back after. The couch became my best friend with pillows placed around to hopefully make me feel as if I am floating. Didn't work but, I tried. I think I may have only got in a few hours of "real" sleep last night. 

I awoke this morning feeling well considering that my breast feel are watermelons pasted to my chest; not even the nicely shaped ones. I understand why they tell you not to take off the bandages for a few days. (not that I could possibly do this... Curiosity killed the hopeful?) I was a little drug induced  so I felt like it was my personal duty to see what was under bandage three. Well, I looked at I will not share what I saw but, it was unexpected. 

After two years of feeling so self aware of my uneven breast I thought I would be overjoyed to have these new additions but, I am coming out of this realizing that they didn't matter in the first place. That no one cared that my cancer had taken half my left breast but me. Yes, I matter but, no one else cared. My husband would have continued to love me just the way I was. I am grateful to be able to feel good about myself again though. Even if it is in a vain way.

 Losing my uterus had made me feel like less of a woman. I couldn't grow our family anymore even if I wanted to. Then to look in the mirror and not feel womanly was heartbreaking. So, I am happy that I had them reconstructed. Sorry just rambling, trying to figure out my own feelings.

I over did it today a bit. I think I was suppose to stay low and ice pack... Well you know me; I didn't. Come to find out that opening the fridge door will lead swelling was out of control. I don't think washing the kids hair or picking up my computer was helping either though.  Now my uterus-less stomach and my swollen recon area are telling me loud and clear to cool it. 

Cancer is a strange beast. I can't ever forget that. 

On a strange note. I met some one on craigslist. Not in the people section but, I was selling our trailer and happen to start emailing with another stay at home mom. Isn't incredible how ever once in a while that you can feel a connection with-out a reason for one? I could tell on the phone while describing my trailer that we could have been friends forever by the way we were talking. 

It had odd timing as well; we had listed the trailer right as Kay got sick and was getting worse. I called Jayna to let her know that I wouldn't be able to let her see the trailer that day. I ended up dumping on her for about a half hour. This RANDOM craigslist buyer about my family and Kay and all the stress. Very strange. Very, Very strange. 

Also Scot got his licience back this week! Hurray! It is amazing that he could go from ICU brain surgery/stroke/not walking, remembering, or being able to do any normal daily activities to being a fully function person again. I am SO grateful to have been invovled in his rehab. Not only for Scot but, for my husband. Being able to do that for Sean is incredible. It is hard to have your husband best friend living in your home even stranger when you know everything about him. I spent days breaking into accounts, emails, talking to the bank while he was in ICU unable to do anything for himself. I am grateful to be able to understand their relationship so much better. I am grateful to have been able to prove to myself that I can step out on a ledge and take care of people. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done but, the most rewarding too. 

The families ability to function with out me.

Eddie wondering politely when he is going to be lap dog again.

This is such a hard time in our lives but the blessing we have are countless ...