4.26.2012

    Life has been rough around these parts. There have been many joys too; they seem to be far shadowed by the pain that has been sweeping through.

    My best friends mother recently was diagnosed with cancer and is quickly losing her battle. Watching my best friend go through this is heart breaking. The want to hug her and walk beside her through this is strong but, the knowledge that cancer itself makes it a solo process. You can't help anyone grieve. You can't show them how to deal and you can't make it better.

    I just have to stand aside. Try and hold emotional space and send as much positive energy as possible. Giving space is a hard thing. I have found that I feel like I am not doing enough. Even though down deep I realize the only thing I can do is be here WHEN she needs me. Not when I feel like she should because I would have.

      With our friends recent passing the community around us has stepped into overdrive grieving. They are doing things that can only be dreamed of in memory of our dearest friends. There are art projects, memorials, parties, wakes, funerals, balloon launches, crying sessions, hug parties, and most of all a lot of memory sharing. We are all living this pain. We are watching our closest friends find their own path to grieving.

     There have been positives around all of this. The realization of how much we should show our love and how often we should do it seems to be at the front of everyone's mind. It has brought a unity across two very different yet very much the same communities which is something these two tried to do every day. They were an inspiration within both communities on how to accept and teach and love. CJ and Zach were in one world the truest form of love. I will carry this with me forever.  

     Watching life happen around you is humbling. Thinking of the place I was in a few short months ago and what my own friends and family must have been thinking. Letting those emotions not effect my current hours are hard. Staying present in today is hard. That is the goal though is to LOVE all of these moments. To hold them close and be able to relive them when they have past. In order to even have those memories you have to present. Not thinking forward, not digging holes into the past, and most of all feeling what is going on around you.

        It is raining today. I love the rain. It makes life feel renewed, re-birthed, fresh. It brings me hope for tomorrow. Today I have been too caught up in life to watch it come down. It is coming down in sheets from the sky. The world seems to be mourning right along with me today. She seems to be trying to tell me that all things are cleansed.

      Life moves forward no matter what. Death, sickness, happiness, emptiness, joy are all fleeting. They are emotions not a state of being. They are not forever. They are part of this experience without them it wouldn't be one.

      My community is mourning right now. We are all dealing in our own way. As the days come to pass there will be more tears, more sickness, more death but, there will also be new life, love, happiness, joy, freedom.

Love fiercely my friends. Without hesitation and fear. Love with your entire being because without love who are we?

4.25.2012

It has been a rough few days. 

Writing hasn't been on the top of my list. 

A amazing couple that we are close friends with passed over last weekend. 

They were in a head on car crash and were taken way to early. 

Processing this information has been difficult.

It has brought a lot of emotions to the surface that I haven't had to face in a long time. 

This is what I have learned.

           Love with all of your heart. There are way to few moments not to. Don't let your fear scare you off. When it is right it feels right and don't lose those moments because they could be fleeting. Give hugs. A lot of hugs even to those people that don't really like hugs because it feels good to hug. 

          It may be hard but, you must cherish your friendships. You must help build them. Stop wondering about who you are and just be who you are. You are great no matter what. Someone knows it and if they don't then don't let that change you.

I am struggling to truly express how hard this is. How many times a day and I am brought back to what matters due to this. Life is important, those moments are important. Please don't forget it.

Maybe later I will feel better and can express this more but for tonight.

Rest in peace Zach and CJ.

04/22/2012

Holy molly food poising.
You know it.
You've had it.

Let me tell you about it anyway.

4:02 Suddenly awake with cramps that bring tears to your eyes.

4:02-4:40 So bad that I just rock and rock and rock. Nothing happens.

4:45 The world explodes and I spend the next two hours hid away.

6:45 back to bed.

8:30 suddenly awake again. WHY?

04/19/2012

The girl I wish I was.. There are times when you watch a movie and you can almost see yourself in her character. Maybe not the you now but, the you you want to be. Or just a side of you that you don't reach for often enough. For me that person is Meg Ryan in "You Have Mail". I love the way she smiles, how light she is, and of course how funny she is when she is pissed.

I often watch this movie again and again trying to figure out what it is that I love about her. Honestly, I just think I know. I may be the underdog with the flare to fight. Or her innocence that come out strong all the way through.

 Innocence in adults is both cute, endearing, and agitating. The thought that any one can make it through life with innocence still intact is incredible. Untouchable. It takes the world on a ride because no one has innocence anymore. It was lost long ago when I was SO small that I couldn't reach the counter top. I grew up to quickly to enjoy the years of innocence.

Then there is her hair. I wish my hair could look like that. Or even close to that. I love it. Love it.

It may also be this was the first romance I truly fell in love with. It stuck.

4/19/2012

Getting ready for her big first try!

Mr. Jones getting ready for the first fall.

Looking at her first ouch.

Making it on her own.

Happy camper.

We are a house with out training wheels!

This is a full on milestone at our house. 

Every baby item that is thrown in the giveaway box is a step closer

to more family independence. 

More hiking, More camping, More fun. 

I know that some parents take their kids every where from the time they 

are tiny.
But, we are not that family. 

4/18/2012

I have been asleep for almost a twenty four hour period. I had a migraine a couple of days ago that just would let up. Yesterday I went in to take care of it at the primary health. and they decided that I had the headache too long. They gave me four shots two shots in each hip.

They told me I would be tired but, wow! I had no idea that I would come home and sleep for twenty four hours. I am still pretty tired as I write this. It is incredible how easy it is to mess up your body. One little shot is all it takes. I was out of it; completely out of it.

I am also waiting for a new lens for my camera. So watch out those pictures are going to be getting better.

04/08/2012

Corbynn Turns 6!

This pciture was taken after I told her she could go ahead and open the pile of presents. 

This poor little girl had been waiting since getting off the bus from

school at 12 it was now closer to 730pm. 

She had waited almost patiently. However when asked her her birthday was going she told my father

"It hasn't started yet and I have been waiting for you people all day"

I almost buckled over laughing but didn't because I have been trying not to encourage her attitude. Sometimes she says thing that I just can't do anything but, laugh. 

Her party went off without a hitch. .

She tried to guess every present she opened and if there were two of anything she gave on to

her sister.
I felt proud that I raised a daughter who wants to share. She wants her sister

to enjoy her things too. She want to think of ways to make people feel special. 

Present after present corbynn screamed "it is my FAVORITE I love it thank you" then she would toss it aside and look for the next gift. 

Cracked me up.
It was a lovely party. I couldn't have been happier that my brother had shown up with his

new girlfriend in tow. 

I like them together and it feels great to have my brother back in our lives.

I love these two pictures of Ben's girlfriend Erin and my dad. I think it shows both of their personalities.

My mother. I love this picture of her. She is amazing and she made the cake. 

4/05/2012

It may sound weird but getting to know my new body is a challenge. I never thought I would say that. Sean noticed last night that I have been gripping about my new add-ons more than loving on them. Just like bowling most things require a bit of muscle and body knowledge. I feel clumsy picking up the laundry, pulling things out of the washing machine, holding a pool stick.

Mostly I have just been whining. I need to get over it this mood that I have let myself fall in. I used to be a generally happy person but, lately I have noticed that I tend to be more of a glass half empty sort of person. I am not much for this attitude in others so I can't let it be mine. I won't become the sullen pesimist who never has anything positive to say.

I have a friend that when asked how he is doing he always responds with "Great but, things are always looking better." It makes me smile just being close to him due to his strong positive attitude. So over the next two weeks we are going to talk about changing the way you view your personal world.

This week my goal is to remember ten things I am grateful for every single day.

Today.
I am grateful to have a beautiful girl who turned six years old today.  Who is growing up so quickly. 

I am grateful for my husband who is always here telling me how much there is to be grateful for.

I am thankful for my toes... Because they are small and cute.

I am thankful that I am able to stay home with my children.

I am thankful that my brother and I are back on talking terms.

I am thankful that my community supports my family and our interests.

I am thankful for my doctors who continue to make my body better.

I am thankful that I can see the sun today.

I am thankful that I don't have to count my money before I buy my groceries.

I am thankful for my new add-on for honestly making me feel whole again.

04/01/2012

Our week has been a little off. Sean got sick so our spring break was a slow. We have been enjoying watching our tree bloom, seeing the grass go green, and napping on couch.

Sean recovered in time to go bowling with my brother and his girlfriend Erin Saturday night. We went glow bowling and it was a blast. I bowled worse than I have ever bowled before; I am talking three, four no pin rolls. It was a record bad go with a lot of laughs. Apparently new breasts are a little harder to bowl with than expected.

Corbynns birthday is four days away. Hurray for a soon to be six year old. I wish she wasn't so hard to shop for.